I don’t usually add video links, etc. here but I had to laugh at this
If you don’t have 6 minutes to spare I suggest you jump to 1:15 for Sir Alan Sugar’s rendition of the theme tune of The Apprentice (from Romeo and Juliet by Prokofiev if you’re interested and didn’t know).
If you haven’t bought a toilet in the last few years it may come as news to you that the “flush & go” system as we knew it is now (as far as I know) more or less extinct.
Gone is the old handle.
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In is a dual flush system, with a small button and a big button.
The small button is for Number Ones. The big button is for Number Twos, but nobody ever tells you that. Isn’t the internet marvellous?
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So here’s my list, off the top of my head as to why I think the new system is (if you pardon the pun) crap…
My son, Jack, turned 4 last week.
The other day as we watched TV (I think The Simpsons was on -nothing to do with anything) Jack cheerily said “sure we’ll never get dead?”
I don’t think he was waiting for an answer. He was happy to leave it at that.
Lucy (aged 7) turned to me with a knowing smile and said “Daddy, will you tell him or will I?”
I didn’t ask her to expand on what she might tell him.
It was a funny and sad moment. An excellent combination I find. đ
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Last night as I was dressing Jack for bed, he hung his head and quietly asked “Sure fuck off boyo isn’t a nice thing to say?”
I shook my head and told him no it’s not. He seemed happy to know it.
Dipsy, Tinky Winky, La La and Po.
There is something of value in The Tellytubbies. Besides the fun for a child in seeing a group of fat furry friendly alien looking characters with big eyes and backsides run around and fall down, there is an educational element of sorts: The whole programme is teaching all the basic vowel-sounds. La Laâ “Ah Ah”. Poâ “Oh”. Both Tinky Winky and Dipsy have the same “ih” and “ee” sounds. The “ih” sound is a tough one for young vocal chords. They need to commit to it as though theyâre about to burble something profound and yet to then cut themselves short abruptly. “Ih”. The trailing “ee” is a reward for getting it right. “Ih ee”.
The same Effort & Reward system is used in the programme-title: Tellytubbies â “eh ee uh ee”. Though neither the eh nor the uh sound are quite as complicated as ih, the title itself still ends both sections with a celebratory pat-on-the-back. Whoopee.
What thought must have been put into The Tellytubbies! The much maligned, poor old Tellytubbies. How many people buy the dolls thinking of their kidsâ vowels? What a shame we donât think of the vowels more often. The much forgotten, poor old vowels.
Just about the only thing the Tellytubbies say is âuh-ohâ. Note the uh and oh sounds herein. Weâve met the uh previously in the âtubâ above, but the oh is brand new. We get the baby with the bath water here. They also say eh-oh (for âhelloâ) which teaches children subtle vowelish variations and how the proper use thereof can alter its whole meaning, describing circumstances so far removed from each other that they are in effect opposites. Thus we have the smiley, happy eh-oh and the dangerous, run-and-hide uh-oh.
Between the programme title and each characterâs names we have the vowel sounds “ah”, “eh”, “ih”, “uh”, “oh” all right there screaming out at us. I know what some people are thinking around now⌠So whereâs the main âUâ sound? Whereâs the “oooh”?
Well, thatâs what those who are not in the know might ask, for indeed there is a fifth member to the Tellytubby-team.
The fifth Tellytubby is their little pet vacuum cleaner â âNoo Nooâ (Note the repeated ooo for emphasis). If you have seen it you must surely have wondered why? Why do they have a pet vacuum cleaner? Well now you know. The word âvacuumâ itself is comprised mainly of this very same “ooo”. Indeed, it goes deeper than this. Just think of the other little word by which most of us refer to a vacuum cleaner. The creators of the Tellytubbies are most certainly geniuses. They covered all the bases. They place the children in a magic box from which it is impossible for them to escape without being forced to learn something. These people know that the adult audience wonât all say âoh look: a vacuum cleaner!â whereby the children would be further fortified with knowledge. They know that half the population would call this pet a hoover, but of course they had that covered too! Ooooooh!
The Tellytubbies is near abstract art for tots. It paints a picture of the almost-invisible building blocks to learning. It encourages toddlers to form ideas. It doesnât lecture or explain. It doesnât tell and it doesnât preach. Unlike a certain purple dinosaur I despise. 
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This is why I believe The Tellytubbies should never be allowed fade out of popularity. It speaks to children in their own tongue whilst simultaneously teaching them the basics of most Western languages.
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Extract from the excellent The High Kicking Kung Fu Soccer Playing Bunny Rabbit Tree. Available here. And on Amazon.com, etc.
A number of years ago a team of medical experts placed a camera in my anus to search for the source of my intense abdominal pain. They didn’t find anything.
A few years later they were back to search again. Afterward, the main doc was coming around to each of the examinees in turn, telling people they’ll have to come back for more tests, etc.. When he came to me he said “we didn’t find the possible source to your symptoms,” before adding lest I feel dejected, “…we found a polyp!” in an almost cheery manner.
It reminded me of that scene in Life Of Brian when a group of ‘terrorists’ hid in a small house and a full garrison of Roman soldiers marched in to search for them. They didn’t find anything, then left. A little while later they returned because there was some place they forgot to check. Following the lengthy entrance and exit, the garrison leader was expecting a positive find, but instead was informed “we found this spoon, sir!”
I do enjoy it when often totally unrelated events or circumstances remind me of something from a movie or book or painting or whatever.
This is the seating layout for the NCT (National Car Test) Centre I previously mentioned. Fellow attendees marked by letters. Females in pink. Males red.
The TV is blaring, showing Sky News broadcasting live from the UK house of commons where half a dozen half asleep politicians are trying hard not to be disturbed by the animated speaker.
I enter and stand in the place marked ‘IN’ and find myself at a loss… Where do I sit?
I’m not sure how this travels, but to me it’s hilarious and ultra-cute. Hope you enjoy it!
My car (the one Mrs. Rumm usually drives) was due for the National Car Test the other week at 11 am.. I should have brought this up sooner on here because it is a good tale, but to be honest it has taken until now for me to calm down enough to be able to recount it:
The test was to be conducted in Blarney, which meant I would have to leave by 10:15 at the very latest if I was to be on time.
If you’re like me this proffers an immediate dilemma: What to do for the morning beforehand? I realise some amongst you (usually women with five kids, three jobs and a law degree) would have no problem working through half a dozen tasks or more, but I’m a procrastinating idiot so none of that was really an option.
OK I admit it. I flipped. I spent time photographing elastics in various poses. There -I’ve said it!
In my defence, I did them years ago, but I do think they’re kinda nice. I just thought to add them here. And why not?
These are part of my “Stretch Out of the Office” series. I think if there was any justice these images (framed) would be as de riguer in offices as, say, those classy poker playing dogs pieces.
Be sure to check out the rest!
Speaking of Two Lovers the other day reminded me of an unrelated event from a few years ago…
I asked Mrs. Rumm what she would like for Christmas. She told me a plain white gold wedding band. The one she already had was the standard gold type. She wanted a white one to go with different outfits. Or something. Who am I to question such things?
I recall buying the wedding rings with her first time around. Both of us wanted nothing other than “a plain ring”. Nothing fancy. As a result, the two rings we bought were each in the region of ÂŁ40 (Irish punts). Our taste in jewellery hasn’t changed.
Now it was maybe six or seven years later… 2004ish. We had a new currency (the Euro). We had gone through an economic boom. Prices were higher. So adjusting for currencies (bring it to, say 55 euros), inflation (80ish?), a bit of greed (90ish), some more greediness (100ish), gold price fluctuations (….?) ..and a bit more on top, I estimated the absolute maximum cost such an item could possibly be would be 130 – 150 euros.
“OK,” I said. “No problem.”
Next day I entered a Jewellery Store (this sentence seems odd to me, but if I said “entered a Jewellers” it’d have a whole different connotation to my dirty mind).
“Can I help you?” enquired a pleasant-looking, well-presented male assistant in a calm voice that sounded like melted chocolate flowing over a lush carpet.
“I’m looking for a plain white gold ring for my wife,” I informed him, “Nothing fancy.”
“OK,” he smiled softly and lead me to the counter. He pulled a tray of rings from underneath. The first thing I noticed was the lack of prices.
The second thing was all these rings had something fancy about them -diamond studs, ridges, fancy engravings, etc..
Instead of jumping immediately to the vulgar issue of price, I hummed and hawed and finally asked if he had anything plainer.
“I’m really just looking for plain white gold -no decorations or anything.”
He considered this quietly and carefully before selecting one of the more plain bands from the same tray. It had only a few small indents here and there.
“Yeah, it’s not too fancy, I suppose,” I had to concede. “How much is it?”
“That one is 600 Euros,” he said as though his voice was massaging my temples.
Shocked, I couldn’t help myself.
“Six hundred!!?” I gasped.
“I told you it was for my wife,” I said, “not my girlfriend!”
Without batting an eyelid, the assistant creased his brow and nodded as though this made complete sense to him.
“I think we may have something more plain in our other store,” he confided. “I can ring them and have it here by tomorrow.”
“A simple, plain white gold ring?” I enquired, slowly turning towards the door.
“Yes yes,” he nodded.
“And how much roughly would that cost?”
He waved in the air and shook his head as though conjuring a nominal amount between old friends.
“Pah -no more than three-fifty,” he informed me, his voice having lost some of the chocolate softness.
“Come back tomorrow I’ll have it for you,” he smiled.
In truth, I almost felt bad not going back there the following day. It seemed a breach of trust somehow that instead I went down the road and bought the first one I spotted for less than two hundred -and that was difficult to find too let me tell you!
I still don’t see how it could be possible for something like that to jump to more than four-times its price in a few years. Madness I tells ya!
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Full disclosure: I can’t say for certain if the “I said wife, not girlfriend” line is truly original. It’s possible I heard it somewhere before. It sounds like something Rodney Dangerfield might have said. Either way it was fun using it. …A little disconcerting that the guy didn’t even flinch, but fun nonetheless. đ