From Teeth to Riverdance

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Brushing teeth is like polishing shoes. If you don’t use polish at all your shoes always look fine -a little scuffed over time, perhaps. Never “sparkly” of course. But fine.

As soon as you start using shoe polish you had best never quit because the day you do your shoes crumple up and fall apart.

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A friend of mine has never brushed his teeth. Well maybe a few times when there was a toothbrush-drive on at school. You might believe he has brown choppers and a mouthful of halitosis, but no.

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He’s 40 years old, has no fillings and I don’t recall him ever losing a tooth (I would know about these things).

A few years back he went to the dentist for a checkup. After the inspection the dentist said there was nothing for him to do in there and asked what his secret was.

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“Drink Coke and never brush your teeth!” he told him.

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I almost regret doing what I was told all those years, but I guess it’s too late for me to stop now -they’d probably fall apart.

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I lived with another friend for a few months after college. A gang of us shared an apartment in fact. Anyway, when this friend unpacked his toothbrush I held it up and laughed -it was completely splayed-out.
“We could use that to scrub the pots,” I joked.

“Yeah we could,” he said, seriously.

“And what would you use for your teeth?” I asked.

He nodded to what I held in my hand and said “that”.

He wasn’t joking.

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Still on the toothbrush front… I use ‘manual’ myself, but a couple of years agoI bought my wife an EXCELLENT present for Christmas… a Phillips Sonicare Toothbrush!

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I had spent days scouring the internet (they were hard to find OK, but someone had told me they were the ultimate toothbrush so I persisted) and finally I located one in time to be delivered before the 25th of December.

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To say it was the most disappointing present she ever received from me (including when I bought her a toilet brush+holder and a wok for our first wedding anniversary) is an understatement. She was disgusted.

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I too was devestated because I thought it was such a great gift. …The gratitude of some people!

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This toothbrush is upstairs somewhere as I type… hardly used, though slowly yellowing in the bathroom last time I noticed (I try not to). I could probably sell it cheap if anyone was interested?

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Actually, that reminds me of another toothbrush tale… The same toothbrush in fact…

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I don’t know if they sell them anymore, or if the shape has changed, but at the time the Sonicare was a fairly sizeable electric, plastic item (around 6-8″ or so in length).

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…It was on the kitchen table, amid a pile of other “clutter” one day. The brush part was not attached.

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My mother called round and we were talking in the kitchen. She picked up the (half) toothbrush, in mid-sentence, but didn’t refer to it in any way as she talked about something else. She examined it for a couple of seconds, then more or less threw it down and quickly turned away as if she had a fright.

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She only briefly lost track of what she was talking about, before continuing.

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I couldn’t very well cry out “it’s a toothbrush – not a vibrator!” She was already talking about other things. It’s probably best she didn’t switch it on though.

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…And that reminds me of another tale…

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I know someone who hid a porno dvd in a Riverdance dvd case. Nobody would ever think to look at Riverdance, right? …Then one day his mother-in-law called round and borrowed a disc while he wasn’t there… yes you guessed it -she was in a mood for some sweaty thrusts and dexterous writhing that night, culminating in a heavy banging climax.

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To those of you sniggering that it was me -of course it wasn’t. What would I be doing with a Riverdance DVD!?

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