Category Archives: A Digression

These are mostly little pleasant rambles. Something to amuse, to think about, to enjoy. Often not about anything you can put a finger on, but there’s something there nonetheless.

A Digression

Our Man in Hav, er, Pontins

Saigon.

I’ve been roped in to going on holidays with the family. Not my holiday, but theirs. I’ve already resigned myself to that.

I only discovered a few days ago our destination was Pontins, in sunny Somerset, England.

I’ll try to convey my thoughts on the place over the next few days, access permitting.

…

Registration wasn’t until 4, but fret not -there was plenty for us to do before then. We arrived at 3:15. A friendly staff member directed us to car park number 1 and then to The Fun Factory for induction, er, registration.

We slide-stepped and shimmied, we hip-hopped and moon-walked. Eventually we made our way through the thronging masses and the deafening hordes and flashy slot machines to The Fun Factory.

Induction, er, registration we discovered involved sitting at a table of our choosing, taking a six-barrel pistol from the centre, pointing it at our skulls and pulling the trigger. Later we discovered there was a bullet in only one chamber.

OK, not really.

Induction, er, registration had us listening to the well-practiced banter of a pleasant late-teens Pontins Vet. Then she released the crocodiles. Well, one crocodile. Captain Croc. He’s the camp mascot or something.

Children jumped for joy and ran to Captain Croc. They sang songs and danced in circles around him.
More or less. There’s nothing like a giant reptile to keep children happy.

OK Mr-A-Croc-is-not-a-reptile-Smartypants I have another one for you: This wasn’t even a real crocodile so who’s so smart now eh?  EH!!??

Finally the gates were opened and 400 or more families were allowed check in. Orderly queues were formed in the large hall in alphabetical groupings and the fun began.
Of course I left Mrs. Rumm deal with it. She’s good at that kind of thing, I took a kid of my choosing for a walk to survey the damage.

Bodies were piled three deep on the lawn. Some of them half-naked. Fat men and over-ripe kids mostly. Flies licked sweat from their crevices and stomped on their ice cream, but these people were oblivious. It seems dreary faces are not allowed at Pontins. Clearly they put something in the water or the food. Or the air maybe.

That’s why I’m holed up, sitting on the bog as I type this. I asked Mrs. Rumm to bring me some tin foil from the shop so I can fashion a hat for myself. I don’t want anything around here rubbing off on me. But did she hell. Instead she came back with tea bags, milk and cream buns.  CREAM BUNS!!
Oh the humanity!

The others have left for the beach, but I think I’ll just finish this before risking all in a bid to eke out some internet access. If you don’t read this it means I have failed. Please send one euro for my children.

The horror! The horror!

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On to Day 2

A Digression, Happiness, Kids, Shopping

psyched

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I was shopping yesterday with the kids. The younger one (4) was starting to get a bit annoying so I plucked him up and stuck him in the trolley seat. He still fits. Just about. He starts school at the end of this month, so you can imagine he’s not pleased when I do this.

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Anyway, he got over it and soon settled down.

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When we reached the checkout there was a short queue so we found ourselves looking into each other’s eyes. He was laughing quietly to himself as he looked at me.

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“One day you will,” he nodded with a big grin on his face.

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“One day I will what?” I asked him, stumped.

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“One day you will hate me.”
He said it, still nodding and smiling, like he found it a wise and amusing prediction.

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“What!?” I gasped, laughing slightly nervously. “Why would I hate you one day??”

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He paused, then with perfect timing said

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“…because I will be the best gamer.”

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A Digression, Film, Happiness

Piracy -How I feel about it

I grew up with pirate videos and pirate games. I watched every movie available this side of Betamax. I had tens of new Spectrum games per week. With the odd exception I can honestly say I valued and appreciated none of them.

It became about acquisition rather than appreciation for any one movie or game. I became a Collector rather than a beneficiary of art and/or entertainment. Only when DVD came out (around 1998) did I begin to realise how much I had missed in the great films of my past -missed because of youth of course, but also because of a lack of atmosphere due to poor quality picture and sound, as well as getting lost in a race to view two, three, seven movies in one day.

I had drawers full of Spectrum games with maybe 10 games per tape. I spent more time copying them and arranging them in the drawers than playing them.

I now see the same thing for other people with R4 Nintendo DS games especially. Those who have them rarely seem to play any one of them -or rarely seem to be “gamers”. They are collectors, happy to know they have something, even if they barely play/ view/ use it  -and best of luck to them. But they’re missing out.

I believe I (and my family) have a healthy appreciation for most individual titles. We wait and often are uniformly over-excited to get & play, say, the latest Mario game. We enjoy this excitement and we give a game time to sink in -perhaps partially because it has just cost us 40 euros or more.

So I don’t oppose “piracy” on moral grounds. I couldn’t care less about that. I’m not convinced it’s theft or anything near that in most cases (but I won’t get into that now). I’ve installed the USB Loader on the Wii, ripped my Mario Galaxy and Wii Play games, then promptly forgot about it.

I believe “piracy” -even 100% super quality AVIs or whatever- takes something from the whole experience. A great game/ movie/ book needs to be consumed whole and possessed -or it must possess you. You feel it inside like a drug. The good kind. The non-chemical kind. Piracy (or what we call such practice) gnaws at this sense of possession -at least for me. We lose something of the thrill and the overall experience. This often stops us from appreciating its greatness in the first place. Even reviews or remarks on a movie (or game) based on a “pirate viewing” I disregard for this reason.

“Pirates” are not experiencing the whole package so can’t be trusted (or even trust themselves) to have gotten the most from it or to be able to review the experience the buyer will have. That’s not to put down the pirate. Do what you feel like, but in my view the pirate is a victim of the Cameron creed that “more is more”. When you can stand back from that and see the wood from the trees it’s obviously not true in many cases.

I’d rather buy and play, say, 4 DS titles in a year than have a card with 100 at any one time. You simply don’t get the quality experience from them. I’m not a pirate -but for selfish reasons. It spoils my enjoyment of and appreciation for and patience with whatever is at hand.

A Digression, Food, Music

How to cook the nicest pancakes

How to do anything:

“Don’t try and don’t think.”

I went for a pleasant walk in the woods with Mrs. Rumm a few weeks back. During such excursions I like to travel off-path whenever possible …especially when someone with me hasn’t done so before. I find one discovers much more on the road less travelled, don’t you think? Or, if not more, at least different.

The only problem I find with this is in re-joining the main path. If another person witnesses this return their dirty silent judgemental mind throws a wobbly: “They’ve been having it off! Why else would they have gone into the trees!?”

Fear not, though, for before we go any further I shall reveal to you the secret to rejoining the path.

As I told Mrs. Rumm that day, “if anyone sees us as we come back to the path they’ll be searching for signs of a lustful romp” (honestly, we weren’t at it, but it’s OK if you choose to believe otherwise). “Anything we say or do will be assembled together in their minds in such a way as to ‘prove’ this snap assessment.
“So, as we return, if we meet anyone else just say Guten tag, then walk on.”

Well we didn’t meet anyone on that day, but I mention it because it happened on the same day as…

Continue reading How to cook the nicest pancakes →

A Digression, Film, Shopping

Porn Queen AKA my Review of Transformers 2

The words “I’m not a prude” are usually followed by proof to the contrary. So I shall allay any expectations by not using them.

Have you ever found yourself in a group where people have gotten increasingly carried away with themselves, taking things a step further and further into unsavoury behaviour? I’m sure you have. We all have.

I remember walking home with friends late one night when I was eighteen years of age (more than 20 years ago now!). There were around ten of us there. All male. Some general horseplay and possibly rowdy-type behaviour was going on (I honestly don’t recall, but I can imagine). When you’re inside a group like that you don’t notice and don’t see yourself as others do.

Suddenly one amongst us leapt in the air and smashed the window of a parked car with his foot. It’s not the type of thing any of us was familiar with. Why did he do this? What happens next? How did it come to this? Why did my friend believe it was an acceptable thing for him to do?

None of that mattered. No questions were asked. There was a yell of glee and an air of excitement and we all ran.

Continue reading Porn Queen AKA my Review of Transformers 2 →

A Digression

Have you seen my creative kidney?

I’ve been having something of a creative block recently. It’s not that I’ve been sitting at my desk banging the keyboard with my head in a bid to see if something falls out. It’s more like I’ve been doing other things and haven’t attempted much in the creative sphere. I can’t say I’ve been overly busy doing those other things, but for whatever reason I haven’t felt the urge lately to write or to think or to do other somewhat-creative things.

To me that’s a terrible thing to admit. Others would find it silly to be that way in the first place, I know, but I’ve always had a kind of need to “create”. Not being endowed with any drawing skill and not being able to play a musical instrument, this yearn has mostly manifested itself in writing form. For the past few weeks/ months(?) this yearn is not there.

I don’t know why, but it hasn’t really bothered me. And that bothers me.

It bothers me that I’m not bothered that I haven’t been creative. Most things I’ve written here (especially those in the category A Digression or books or music lyrics) have come from this need. It’s as basic to me as breathing or eating. I’ve never forced it or wondered “what should I write about?” Recently I’ve just not had that need and that’s why I haven’t posted here much or done some of the other things I might have been doing.

I wish I had the need. It’s like losing a kidney. It can’t be seen or quantified with the eye in normal day-to-day interactions, but I know it’s not there and I’d rather have it back. (Thankfully I do still have two kidneys at time of writing bythewaythankyouverymuch.)

It’s not that I think that need will never come back again, but I suppose I believe the time has come for me to give it a little kick. I hope this post somehow helps re-start the engine, which is why I felt the need to make it.

I hope you haven’t suffered through reading this only to find it’s pointless. Perhaps you can give me some pointers on what I should do?

“Get a life!” I hear you cry. Alas, we all can’t be as good and upstanding as you.

A Digression, Happiness, Kids, THING

More Kidstalk

My son, Jack, turned 4 last week.

The other day as we watched TV (I think The Simpsons was on -nothing to do with anything) Jack cheerily said “sure we’ll never get dead?”

I don’t think he was waiting for an answer. He was happy to leave it at that.

Lucy (aged 7) turned to me with a knowing smile and said “Daddy, will you tell him or will I?”

I didn’t ask her to expand on what she might tell him.

It was a funny and sad moment. An excellent combination I find. 🙂

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Last night as I was dressing Jack for bed, he hung his head and quietly asked “Sure fuck off boyo isn’t a nice thing to say?”

I shook my head and told him no it’s not. He seemed happy to know it.

A Digression, Motoring

NCT Sweat

My car (the one Mrs. Rumm usually drives) was due for the National Car Test the other week at 11 am.. I should have brought this up sooner on here because it is a good tale, but to be honest it has taken until now for me to calm down enough to be able to recount it:

The test was to be conducted in Blarney, which meant I would have to leave by 10:15 at the very latest if I was to be on time.

If you’re like me this proffers an immediate dilemma: What to do for the morning beforehand? I realise some amongst you (usually women with five kids, three jobs and a law degree) would have no problem working through half a dozen tasks or more, but I’m a procrastinating idiot so none of that was really an option.

Continue reading NCT Sweat →

A Digression, Finance, Ireland, Shopping

Gift Pricing -How much is yours?

Speaking of Two Lovers the other day reminded me of an unrelated event from a few years ago…

I asked Mrs. Rumm what she would like for Christmas. She told me a plain white gold wedding band. The one she already had was the standard gold type. She wanted a white one to go with different outfits. Or something. Who am I to question such things?

I recall buying the wedding rings with her first time around. Both of us wanted nothing other than “a plain ring”. Nothing fancy. As a result, the two rings we bought were each in the region of £40 (Irish punts). Our taste in jewellery hasn’t changed.

Now it was maybe six or seven years later… 2004ish. We had a new currency (the Euro). We had gone through an economic boom. Prices were higher. So adjusting for currencies (bring it to, say 55 euros), inflation (80ish?), a bit of greed (90ish), some more greediness (100ish), gold price fluctuations (….?) ..and a bit more on top, I estimated the absolute maximum cost such an item could possibly be would be 130 – 150 euros.

“OK,” I said. “No problem.”

Next day I entered a Jewellery Store (this sentence seems odd to me, but if I said “entered a Jewellers” it’d have a whole different connotation to my dirty mind).

“Can I help you?” enquired a pleasant-looking, well-presented male assistant in a calm voice that sounded like melted chocolate flowing over a lush carpet.

“I’m looking for a plain white gold ring for my wife,” I informed him, “Nothing fancy.”

“OK,” he smiled softly and lead me to the counter. He pulled a tray of rings from underneath. The first thing I noticed was the lack of prices.
The second thing was all these rings had something fancy about them -diamond studs, ridges, fancy engravings, etc..

Instead of jumping immediately to the vulgar issue of price, I hummed and hawed and finally asked if he had anything plainer.
“I’m really just looking for plain white gold -no decorations or anything.”

He considered this quietly and carefully before selecting one of the more plain bands from the same tray. It had only a few small indents here and there.

“Yeah, it’s not too fancy, I suppose,” I had to concede. “How much is it?”

“That one is 600 Euros,” he said as though his voice was massaging my temples.

Shocked, I couldn’t help myself.

“Six hundred!!?” I gasped.
“I told you it was for my wife,” I said, “not my girlfriend!”

Without batting an eyelid, the assistant creased his brow and nodded as though this made complete sense to him.
“I think we may have something more plain in our other store,” he confided. “I can ring them and have it here by tomorrow.”

“A simple, plain white gold ring?” I enquired, slowly turning towards the door.

“Yes yes,” he nodded.

“And how much roughly would that cost?”

He waved in the air and shook his head as though conjuring a nominal amount between old friends.

“Pah -no more than three-fifty,” he informed me, his voice having lost some of the chocolate softness.
“Come back tomorrow I’ll have it for you,” he smiled.

In truth, I almost felt bad not going back there the following day. It seemed a breach of trust somehow that instead I went down the road and bought the first one I spotted for less than two hundred -and that was difficult to find too let me tell you!

I still don’t see how it could be possible for something like that to jump to more than four-times its price in a few years. Madness I tells ya!

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Full disclosure: I can’t say for certain if the “I said wife, not girlfriend” line is truly original. It’s possible I heard it somewhere before. It sounds like something Rodney Dangerfield might have said. Either way it was fun using it. …A little disconcerting that the guy didn’t even flinch, but fun nonetheless. 🙂