If you haven’t already, check out the Pontins Progression beginning here.

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They got both types of food here in Brean Sands: chips AND curry!

That’s all well and good, but by Day Four one finds oneself yearning for the spud or the soup or the rice crackers. I’m not fatist, but the very high percentage of obese individuals roaming the territory is mildly disconcerting. There’s nothing like the sight of seven six-foot rotunders rounding out the queue in a chipper to inspire an inkling for the somewhat leaner cuisine. Somewhat leaner than a lump of lard washed down with a six pack that is.

After much pacing and menu-scanning at last we found a restaurant with an option for other than the above.

I had Mushroom Stroganoff. Mrs Rumm had the Drunken Cow Pie. Her sister had our kids.

Quite tasty and fairly reasonably priced it was too, even if counter service did the place no favours in distancing it from, say, an upmarket McDonalds.

I may have mentioned in passing the less-than-ideal sleeping arrangements, but now I find myself unable to avoid further details: we have two bedrooms in our ‘shallet’. One for the kids containing two beds with just enough room to step between them, and one for… for… well I’m not sure who for.

The under-sized double bed is like a cast-off from an old hospital. Its tuneful springs are held together by a heroic fibre, losing a mighty battle to keep it in one piece. Underneath… well let’s not over-burden ourselves with such details  now. Let’s just leave it with a tip: don’t bother looking under the bed until your bags are packed and the engine is running.
(Disclaimer: I never looked and I’m not going to either.)

So anyway, it was Mrs. Rumm’s turn with the couch. Hey I’m nothing if not fair, although in this case, the undulating, metal-bar-sprung pulldown is the preferable option.

I believe I pointed out the prevelance of the outsized form hereabouts, but tiny bedrooms and woeful beds are permitted one small concession: Mushroom Stroganoff is not so easy to find. You got to seek it out -And a good thing too I now believe, for I was awoken at 3 am by a howling, rancid wind. My own.

I swear it crowded the tiny room and slammed my face against the wall. My poor long-suffering wife was lucky in more ways than one she was on the couch. This isolation cell stank even too much for me. Good thing I don’t smoke in bed or the only thing left of Brean Sands, Burnham-on-sea would be a wisp of dark smoke fizzling over a solitary metal bedspring, spinning round the bottom of a deep, black crater. Mushroom Stroganoff me hole. Tis a long way from Mushroom Stroganoff I was reared I can tell you.

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In summation: Have I enjoyed my stay here in Pontins, Brean Sands?
I’d have to answer, begrudgingly, yes.

Our beds were Guantanamoesque. The shallets/huts wouldn’t win any prizes in a sandcastle competition. Parents and adults are at the mercy of their offsprings and bedsprings. Shane Ritchie is God and hell is his domain.

That said, Pontins is all about the kids and their unbridled glee at being here outweighs the moans and groans of those of us who’d rather be sat at a quiet piano bar with internet access for the week. If the piano was broken, even better. If the bar was empty that’d be just fine.

Staff are very helpful and not overly pushy. There was no dragging to join conga lines going on. In fact, to be honest, I didn’t notice any conga lines at all.

The lighthearted nature of the staff rubs off on the guests too I think. I’ve seen no trouble or angry words exchanged. All adults are either already in the party-zone or share the same all-in-it-together weighted shrug of the shoulders (mostly us fathers it has to be said).

Would I come back to Pontins? Not by choice.

Will I come back to Pontins? They do the job so well (making sure the kids are happy and have plenty of things to do) I might not have a say in the matter. I just wish they’d devote a teensy bit of attention to the needs of those of us taller than five foot who would prefer to have the basics – ie. CAMP-WIDE CHEAP WI-FI INTERNET ACCESS! (at the moment it’s limited to the main building and you have to buy a scratch card for time-limited access. And it ain’t cheap. I paid 20quid for three days.)

I hope you’ve enjoyed listening to my tale. I’ll try to answer any questions as best I can.

For my next review I’d like to try something slightly easier, like reporting on the inside of a lion’s den perhaps.

Until then, (I’ve avoided saying it before now but what the hell)… Hi Di Hi campers!