THEORY -Full Irish Breakfast

Is it a coincidence that sausages are phallic-shaped? I think not. Why were chunks of pig-meat made into these penis-sized edible pieces in the first place? No part of a pig resembles these items and when cut from the pig they need to be processed into this size and shape. So why go to all that length (for some) when it is an artificial presentation of meat? No other popular meat-product is disguised in quite the same fashion.

Why? Isn’t it obvious? Of course we all (subconsciously) know sausages are the shape they are so they can fit-in properly on the traditional breakfast plate which is obviously a representation of sexual intercourse.

…First of all we have the penis/sausage. Then comes (if you pardon the expression) your vagina/rasher.

The egg is there to signify the female egg in the womb. The plastic around the pudding is a relatively new addition, but a necessary one if the powers-that-be are to maintain the authenticity of the sexual-nature of the breakfast…”we need condoms on our plate fast” yelled catholics in the late 60’s…”we’re getting out of touch with the whole sex-thing”. No sooner said than the church underground developed the plastic around the pudding.

Mushrooms (which can grow to maturity quickly during 1 night) of a mornin’ are there to remind you of childbirth and how rapidly one’s family can grow with the use of the objects presented to the diner. Tomatoes symbolise those (ahem) periods during which all good citizens are asked to refrain from sexual encounters.

Waffles are an American-breakfast addition that symbolise nothing at all to do with the subject matter and completey misses the point of the whole breakfast experience.

“BUT”, I hear you holler, “why would the catholic church want to present sex to us on a plate? Or Why would good catholics of the past want the catholic church to present sex to us on a plate?”

The answer as we all already know (and remember) is so that when little Johhny walks into the kitchen and sits at the table and turns innocently to his hardworking parents and asks “Where do babies come from?”, the wise and knowing parents can clip little Johhny round the ear and tell him to “shut up and eat your breakfast!”, knowing full well that little Johnny will grow up a good catholic and know all about what goes where on the table.

So why, now that we all still eat hearty Irish breakfasts, is the strength of the catholic church waning in Ireland?

Well I couldn’t be certain but me -I blame the waffles.

4 thoughts on “THEORY -Full Irish Breakfast”

  1. Actually, beans are not really a part of a full Irish breakfast. These have more in common with a full English.
    For that reason, they are a protestant introduction, that is saying “go blow it out yer arse!”

  2. I feel I have to point out that sausages are shaped like that because they were originally (and still sometimes are) made with intestines for the meat casing. And intestines…are that shape.
    Otherwise funny as hell man.

  3. Thanks. But they could be ball-shaped (which might bring its own connotations). I would argue that that would be an even more likely shape for them -like haggis.
    Or they could be stuffed into the casing, then flattened like a patty.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This blog is kept spam free by WP-SpamFree.